In the second installment of "If you can’t beat ‘em, cheat ‘em", I’d like to discuss another manner with which the Rams can use unconventional wisdom to pull out an extra ‘W’ or two in 2012. As the pallets of ‘Stickum’ continue to roll into my warehouse, which just so happens to be my 98 year old neighbor's two car garage (no, he doesnt know), my offseason plans for our Rams are starting to fall into place. If you’re not familiar with ‘Stickum,’ simply put, it’s the gummy substance I’ve acquired (in bulk) to make our WR’s look like.....well.....WR’s again. Offensive production should skyrocket as thrown balls remain in the hands of our receivers, but we must take a pro-active stance in terms of keeping our opponents in check. The aforementioned ‘catch ensurer’ makes us better, but does nothing to make our adversaries falter. For this, I’ll require the assistance of one of the Ram’s greats....
We’ll be bringing back former Pro Bowler and Super Bowl Champion, Leonard Little. Little requires no introduction, so none he will receive. To be honest, the 12-year pro could certainly help to develop our (soon to be) young defensive line, but it’s not only coaching that I feel he has to offer our organization. Call it a ‘defensive’ if you will, Little’s off-field activities have spawned another idea. The Rams have provided us fans with a very short list of things to celebrate since our SB victory over a decade ago. With that being said, the results have forced us all to take to libations to maintain sanity. Little is an expert in this realm, and is so advanced in his debauchery, that he’s able to operate a motor vehicle after indulgence. There may or may not have been some ‘issues’ that arose as a result of this, but that’s not the point here.
Much like the ‘Water Boy’ movie, which marked the decline of Adam Sandler’s career, Leonard is going to be a our on-field hydration - replenishment specialist...for both teams. On our sideline, a delicious selection of electrolyte-filled beverages that our players need to refuel after all the catches and touchdowns we'll tally. Across the field, orange coolers of ‘Hatorade.’ Cocktail man extraordinaire Little ‘slips em a Mickey,’ so to speak. The opponents, thirsty after another three-and-out, will take refuge at the cooler, where they’ll slowly chug, chug, chug their way into a tipsy state. We’ve all been there, and know it affects accuracy! Think about it...I’d be willing to bet that that majority of you (while watching our Rams) have peed on the toilet seat at a friends house, grabbed a handful of chips and gone knuckle deep into their community dip, or gone for the infrequent high-five and ended up with concussion-like symptoms. My big toe is still purple from trying to make it a very short flight of steps at my in-laws, and the football season was over at that point! Think of how those same principles apply to the field. Inaccurate throws, dropped passes, fumbles, missed tackles, and ultimately vomiting/dehydration...with a heightened possibility for a coyote ugly or two.
SJAX will be able to break big running plays, as defenses will look much like the Giants D did in week 2 feigning simultaneous injury. Justin King will get his own island, as he'll be covering a receiver who's face down on the field before the play starts. Go routes will become ineffective zig zags, which look to be the result of putting your forehead on a baseball bat and spinning in a circle for 30 seconds. The possibilities are endless, and the cost is cheap! You release Jason Smith, give me his salary, and I (along with Leonard) will guarantee you results. You want to win in London? Drink up, Tom Brady!