FanPost

2012 NFL Draft: Stickum

Elvin-hayes_medium

image via i.cdn.turner.com

Now, I know what you're thinking...'how is this hairstyle supposed to help the Rams win in 2012?!?' Well, my friends, it's the not the fine lubricant in this mans hair that I'm here to examine. What I'd like to discuss, and gather your opinion on, is the copious amounts of adhesive that he's chosen to give his arms a bath in.

Note by Eric Nagel: Bumped to the front page. Forget Blackmon or Kalil- we need to go back to the basics. To stick, or not to stick?

Let me start by saying that I'm no financial adviser, but I'd be willing to be that by the time I conclude this post (you'll probably be asking me to do your taxes). Consider yourself forewarned...but I digress. Mr. Lester Hayes (above) got me thinking about a way for our team to save a few much needed dollars, and improve our passing game.....Stickum - 'excellent for bat handles and vaulting poles.' His trail-blazing, outside-the-box thinking is exactly what this team needs, and now I'll give you the proposition that you've been on the edge of your seat waiting for...

We save the MILLIONS that we'd spend on a free agent Wide Receiver, such as either Jackson, and INVEST in our teams future by buying a plethora of Stickum! Let's face it, we have issues with our passing game, and a lot of that is due to the quality of our receivers. Lloyd is all we've got (for now), and we never know when Amendola's elbow is going to 'Delocate' (great advertising, by the way), kicking us right in our baby-makers AGAIN! I hope you're sitting down for this...

Military discount, or bulk quantity pricing aside, I can get us Stickum (in a totally ozone shattering, spray adhesive form) for $12.22 on Amazon.com. Let's just say that DJAX or VJAX were going to go for about $4mil next season. That's a pretty penny for a guy who may or may not drop the ball because their hands just aren't sticky enough. Using an abacus, I was able to find that we can get 327,332 individual aerosols for our team with that money! Let's just assume that we give one to each member of our 53 man roster, because as our moms all taught us, sharing is caring.........that's 6,176 seasons worth of Stickum. Being honest, I don't think that one 4oz. can will last an entire season, so let's operate under the assumption that each player is blessed with one per game. Did you see what just happened?!? Instead of Vincent or DeSean, I just got us 386 seasons worth of GUARANTEED catches!

"Why do lineman need Stickum, DC?" Good question, TSTer's! There were more than a few occasions this season where Sam Bradford forgot who he was. That was because highly paid, under producing offensive lineman simply who can't earn their paycheck, allowed him to be knocked into near unconsciousness. For $12.22 a game, Jason Smith is Orlando Pace... Boom! This gives Sam valuable time to find open receivers, knowing with certainty that it will be caught...because it simply cannot be dropped! I dare you to blow by Smith next season, with his hand firmly planted, or installed, into your shoulder pads.

'Did Justin King just become an island?' Yup! Ever seen someone jump up to bat a ball away and it miraculously sticks to his hands for an INT? You will next season....I need to be clear, though, that Stickum will not make him faster so he cannot allow WR's to continuously blow by him.

Cheating? Only if we get caught! If the NFL has proven anything, it's that cheating is OK and getting caught makes you famous. The Patriots, known cheaters and more recent losers, thrive in cheating conditions. They've won Super Bowls with it, and brought back Super McDouches to run their offense. Urinating on the sidelines isn't any fun if you don't get caught! Who was that kicker BEFORE getting caught? That's right.....no one. Stickum will give us an identify!

So there it is, folks. It's just an idea that I thought I'd throw out there. For those of you who thought we needed Justin Blackmon with our first pick..........what now?

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