(NOTE: Today's late open thread will be written by Chester "Hoolee" P. Barnbottoms, a miner from the 1880s, a decade in which nobody knows anything about. And no, don't go looking it up just so you can tell me it's when Marvin Stone invented the modern drinking straw. Go Google something else.)
Well hey, there future folk. Heard ya got some football games to watch. Well, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLEE! That sounds like the bun on the burger, don't it. I'm Chester Barnbottoms, son of Dilliam Barnbottoms and yes, his pappy was "World Famous" Purf Barnbottoms, Jr. But enough about my family bush. Let's get on to the ballgames!
Need a handy prospect tracker that tells you every potential NFL Draftee playing today and in every bowl before today? Okay, friend. Here you go. Free fifty free. Just click on these words and you shall have said tracker.
Need some draft notes on the day's action from your friends over at Mocking the Draft? Well quit yer quitchin' and click here, you ol' gumball.
Now let's go a-bowlin'.
Franklin American Mortgage Company Music City Bowl; Nashville, TN
North Carolina St. vs. Vanderbilt (ESPN, 12:00pm)
Sure do like that Mike Glennon. Kid's got a miner's neck:
Why, that boy can probably spot nickel ore from 20 miles away with that chin-stretcher! And he's got them dead miner's eyes. Are we sure this is a picture of Mike Glennon and not me when I was 16? Well, who's hootin'. Jordan Matthews on Vandurbutt is a fine ball catcher too. Think we'll be getting him some of those clean NFL pants soon.
Hyundai Sun Bowl; El Paso, TX
USC vs. Georgia Tech (CBS, 2:00pm)
Well scratch me sideways, is that Lane Kerfin in one-uh them Mexico City hats? I'll tell ya what, he's crazier then a wet napkin in a firestorm with a bottle of gutshot. My daddy used to say that all the time. Still don't make no damn sense.
Them boys from Californee sure do have a nice team though. Lotsa young men who should be gettin' paid for their footballin'. Now me? I ain't never trusted a man from Georgia. Bought my only pair a shoes from a hide trader said he was from Savannah. Turned to mush in two days. Don't think them Georgia Tech boys bought their shoes from the same hide trader. Not that I blame em! He was shadier than a dry napkin sliding down a hillside covered in catsup and hollerin' all the way down! Daddy never did teach me no good sayin's...
AutoZone Liberty Bowl; Memphis, TN
Now lookee here. I don't know what a football is. I don't know how you decide who's a-winnin' and who's a-spinnin'. But you and I know damn well ain't neither of us tryin' to watch this poop pageant. Lets keep it movin'.
Chick-fil-A Bowl; Atlanta, GA
Now there's the beans! Lookit them guys flyin' this-a-way and those boys are flyin' that-a-way and HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLEE! Well, that's football I guess. Figure I know evrythin' there's to know bout the modern world.
(you Google "wikipedia 1880s" on your smartphone)
What ya got there? What's a smartphone? What's a screen? What's a phone? What's a sat-light? What's Admos' sphere? What's space?
(Chester's head explodes. You have killed Chester "Hoolee" P. Barnbottoms. Now go watch football with the prospect tracker at your side, friend.)