Quarterbacks have a very special club. The "Elite" quarterback breathe rarefied air. They lead their teams to gobs of wins, looking almost effortless while doing so. Clutch play and shaving commercials mark their realms, and NFL fans hold them in awe. They don't even have to make it to the post season to be "Elite". Look at Drew Brees and Cam Newton. Their teams have under-performed and they still are plastered across TV screens selling sundry wares. The need to tie in anything "Elite" to a product brand is the NFL version of the military industrial complex. Which is very cool by the way. A quarterback doesn't need the opinion of fans to know when they've joined the ranks of the "Elite". They're crowned by their agents after a large consumer product conglomerate gives them a call.
With that in mind, I thought I'd try and match an industry to the quarterbacks I feel have been "Elite" - one way or another - in the 2012 NFL season. I say either way because a quarterback can be "Elite-ly Bad", can't they?
Top 5 "Elite" Quarterbacks:
Tom Brady - He throws Bundchen-s and Bundchen-s of TD passes every year. I think his ideal corporate sponsor is Gucci. News Flash: Gucci's new diamond studded, football shaped purse features a tuft of Tommy's hair sewn into the lining. Cost: $7,000,000,000
Peyton Maninng's recovery from several neck surgeries to lead the Denver Broncos into the playoffs has been great to watch. His newest sponsor - Buick - is planning ahead for his retirement. Realizing Peyton could be the most popular AARP member ever someday due to his surgically enhance posture, they're testing a new car featuring head rests that keep the driver's head from lolling side to side. The "Peyton Sports Package" will be available in 2014.
Aaron Rodgers has discount double-checked his way into being the insurance industry's favorite spokesman. They'll be expanding his "coverage" of industry products to include: Stadium parking Insurance (stabbings excluded), seat license insurance (End Zone only), Jersey insurance ( Replica only; not covered - mustard spots, being thrown away by wife because you love it more than her, and tear stains (Jacksonville Arizona and Kansas City excluded)
Eli Manning has had trouble finding corporate sponsors unless his older brother is at least mentioned somewhere in the Ads. His donning fairy wings with Deion Sanders for NFL Sunday Ticket opened new revenue streams for the off and on again "Elite" quarterback. Word has it Eli will be taking wing in a Twilight prequel. He'll be throwing fairy dust around the stage trying to blind Vampires and make Werewolves sneeze. In a love unrequited, Eli's character learns Kristen Stewart just wants to be friends.
Drew Brees has had a tough year, but potential advertisers remained lined up to sign the King of New Orleans. Word has it Sir Drew will be challenging Aaron Rodgers' insurance company dominance. GEICO wants Brees to replace the company's Gecko spokesman and the two idiots playing the banjo and mandolin on the little "Happier than a..."stage. The new Ad campaign will feature Brees on a stage pointing at different items while he says " We're so damn cheap, we make this (points at object) look expensive." (He's pointing at Marques Colston)
The "Elite-ly Bad" quarterback list has real trouble finding advertisers, but there are a few...
Kolb-Lindley-Skelton have brought the quarterback position to new and exciting lows. The trio was approached by a music company for their new line of steel drums. The deal fell apart when they kept missing a beat. A local area radio station that happened to have the call letters KLS gave them a shot as DJs, but the only songs they'd play were "Lady of Spain" and "The Girl from Ipanema". When asked why, each said they'd had enough "Hits"...
Mark Sanchez is a hot advertising property in a very select industry group. In fact, a Washington lobby group - The Gluteous Maximus Alliance - want to hire him as their industry spokesman. They feel Sanchez can raise "Butt Safety" awareness.
Michael Vick's advertising stock has hit a new low, yet cat lovers seem to want to see more of the battered Eagles quarterback. He doesn't appear interested though. Word has it he's talking to Michael Jackson's former "doctors" in an attempt to change the public's perception of who he really is... Er, uh... ???
Matt Cassell may just be the worst advertising property in the NFL. There's talk he and Mark Sanchez could be appearing in a music video remake with the Rolling Stones. Pat Benatar is pissed. She thought she had the duo lined up as background singers for her comeback tour. "Hit me with Your best Shot" would appear a perfect anthem for Sanchez and Cassell, but they opted for...
Hmm... The life a NFL quarterback is feast or famine when it comes to success or failure. Lots of teams have questions at the position. The only thing I know is that an "Elite" quarterback is the most prized of all positions on an NFL team. They're a rare breed indeed.
Did I mention Gillette is sponsoring this post?