With Halloween rapidly approaching, there have been reports of a frightening monster stalking the back-alleys of St. Louis. It is said that this monster consists of current and former Rams players' and staff members' body parts.
Hair: Initial reports indicate that the monster was given Les Snead's hair. The golden locks of Snead draw FRAMkenstein's pray in. Females and males alike cannot contain themselves once given a glimpse of such a magnificent head of hair.
Brain: FRAMkenstein's brain is split into two hemispheres. The right hemisphere is that of Kurt Warner's. Having a part of Warner's brain allows FRAMkenstein to be more intelligent than his predecessors. However, FRAMkenstein's taste in women is questionable at best.
The left hemisphere comes from Gregg Williams. FRAMkenstein is predisposed to uncontrollable bouts of violence. He also has placed bounties on anyone asking for the Rams to be moved to LA....seriously, that needs to stop.
Eyes: Marshall Faulk's eyes have been recognized in FRAMkenstein. Faulk's eyes give FRAMkenstein the uncanny cutback ability that thieves and monsters both covet when fleeing from STL's finest. The only downfall of having Faulk's eyes is that FRAMkenstein must stop whenever it comes across a mirror. Faulk's eyes cannot pass up an opportunity to stare endlessly into their reflection.
All of the mirror staring has caused harm to FRAMkenstein's eyes and has forced his creator to make him wear a pair of Eric Dickerson's goggles.
Mustache: One of FRAMkenstein's most defining features is his Fisherstache. It is said that FRAMkenstein's Fisherstache and Snead hair compliment each other in a way that creates the image of a modern day Adonis.
Midsection: FRAMkenstein's midsection was taken from Rokevious Watkins. Having Watkins added to FRAMkenstein increased his liking for naps, midnight snacks, heavy breathing, and rascals.
Heart: The FRAMkenstein's heart consists of one chamber from each of the Fearsome Foursome.
Arms: 36 1/4 is the length of FRAMkenstein's left arm which was stolen from Orlando Pace. The sheer length of his left arm allows FRAMkenstein to keep people away from his body, which it is very insecure about...FRAMkenstein blames Rok for his insecurities. FRAMkenstein's right arm is that of Steven Jackson. The monsters' right arm is primarily used for stiff-arming small children.
Hands: FRAMkenstein's right hand is that of Torry Holt and its left is that of Isaac Bruce. When the two hands touch one another sparks fly and football coaches around the world experience the tingles in their private areas.
Hips: FRAMkenstein's hips were taken from Janoris Jenkins. Its hips turn at lightening speed. Unfortunately, the Rokevious Watkins mid-section cannot keep pace.
Legs: Greg Zuerlein's right leg was commandeered for FRAMkenstein. The monster uses it to kick anyone calling him "Greg The Leg"...and then yells "It's LEGATRON fools". FRAMkenstein is missing its left leg due to none wanting to try and compete with its Zuerlein right leg.
Clothing: Perhaps the scariest thing about the FRAMkenstein is what it is wearing. FRAMkenstein has been seen wearing a Justin King jersey. Whenever a Rams fan catches a glimpse of this jersey, the typical reaction is usually to run away screaming, hide, begin rocking back and forth and then promptly be admitted into a mental health facility.
(No picture of said jersey will be shown due to public health concerns)
If anyone has any information as to where the FRAMkenstein may been hiding please report it to @HawkWayOfLife on Twitter. He appreciates knowing where his pet project, and awful attempt at humor, have wondered off too.
I hope everyone has a good Halloween and focuses on what's truly important....eating your kids' candy, scaring small children, and applauding questionable morals.