Today’s practice was closed to the public thanks to the "Caps-Man" who kept shouting, “FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK-I SALUTE YOU!”
Not wanting to suffer the humiliation of no information to our great fans, we easily mitigated the problem. A maintenance worker was coerced with a $100 bucks and a lap dance at the local dancer bar in exchange for showing us the feed to a spy cam network. Apparently the new network was covertly installed in all the buildings at the Ram’s facility.
The video feed showed us that today’s practice focused on Special Teams, no... Not the Special Teams you see riding to school in the short bus, even though some of them wear football helmets. But the Rams Special Teams, you know kicking, punting, and returning the same.
Donnie Jones was made to punt from the 50 yard line; his targets being 1 gallon buckets of lime Jell-O (Eagles Green to be exact) placed on the ½ yard line. Donnie hit 8 of 11 while simultaneously texting and dodging 8 foot round wooden fence poles thrown at his feet. Donnie was pretty impressive making the gallon buckets bleed green.
Thanks to the high tech electronics we were able to pick up the following conversation.
“Nice job Donnie,” Coach Spags said.
“Well we really need to turn up the burner, so we brought in Ndamukong Suh to give you some pressure.”
“No sweat Coach.”
“Did you know his name means, “Point of the Spear,” Coach Spags asked.
“I got 3 ex-wives, now that’s what I call the Point of the Spear.” Donnie lamented, while continuing to text.
“Hey Coach,” Donnie asked, as Suh Lined up across from the center, “Ocho wants to know what’s Spanish for Patriots?”
“Patriotas” Spags told him, “What the hell does he want to know that for?”
Before Donnie could answer the ball was snapped. With one hand Donnie caught the snap as Suh rushed in. Faking the punt, he dropped Suh with a boot to the skull, then punted a perfect punt to the half yard line, causing lime green Jell-O to shoot out of the pail like Old Faithful with the flu.
“How do you like that shit, spear licker!” Donnie yelled to Suh, who was wallowing around on the turf holding his broken nose.
“Don’t mess with an L-S-U Irishman,” Donnie told him, “Next time I might have to beat you with my shillelagh, and stop crying like a little bitch!”
Next up was Josh Brown practicing Kick Offs. Josh had to kick field goals from the sixty yard line; his first miss caused him to roll on the ground screaming. It appeared that the remote controlled shock collar used on the piglets had somehow made its way into his jock.
Josh only missed 1 out of 45 tries after that first initiation of something similar to a Klingon Pain Stick.
Kick and Punt Returns:
Kickoff and punt returns were just as exciting. Specialized JUGS machines fired 22 pound medicine footballs to the unsuspecting receiver’s. If they managed to field the heavy, depleted uranium missiles, they were faced with returning the ball through a gauntlet of Hemi powered Hum-Vee’s bent on destruction. It was quite a spectacle to behold, and many thanks to the spy camera network for bringing us some beautiful live footage.
I tell you what folks, there are strange things going on at the Rams facility. If the team can survive the training, I don’t see anyone who can stack up to what these boys are going through.
Well fans, I can’t wait to see what happens tomorrow. I know if the spy cams keep working, we might learn a lot more about this unorthodox training, and what the repercussions to the NFL might be.
Roller Ball anyone?
This story is a product of my imagination,
and Pure Fiction.